Finding Failure

It's getting harder and harder to write these.
I have so much to say, but I feel as though nobody wants to listen.


It's getting harder and harder to become a personal trainer or even a professional triathlete.
I have goals. I have accomplished some, but what next?


It's like there isn't enough time for anything anymore. I wake up go for a ride, go for a run, go to work, come home and I'm alone in all of those places.


Nobody to talk to and nobody wanting to get to know me.
What's the point of it?


I had so much passion for cycling.
What happened to it?
Things keep coming up and shoving me away from it.
Am I not supposed to be doing that?


I want a friend that I can do things with.
A girl.
A best friend.
One that I can get to know because I want to.
One who wants to know me because she WANTS to.


All of these goals, coming to an end.
I have no time to do what I want.


Where can I find that friend?
Cycling, they all want something different.
Running, they all just do it for self image.


It's hard finding out that there's nobody out there for me.
No girl who wants to truly know who I am.
I've had one girlfriend. And even from the beginning, she didn't want to be with me.
I devoted myself to her so much that I couldn't stop loving her for two years after we got split up.


I want somebody who really wants me as a friend. Somebody who will sacrifice time, like I do, to just spend five minutes with me.


I've done that so many times for friends. I got to campus two hours earlier than when my classes started, just to see them for two minutes as they passed by from class to go to another class. I knew that those two minutes were worth the wait.


Cycling in the most bizarre times that are completely hectic to my schedule, just to try and find somebody to keep them company. Just for two intersections and knowing that it was worth it.


Running at times that when my legs were done with and had nothing left in them, just so they aren't alone. Not even talking during the run. Just being there meant more to me that talking.


I've found that no girl wants to be with me.
I've found that no cyclist wants a training partner for just two minutes.
I've found that no runner, really wants quite time.


That no person is wanting me.
I've found failure.
Failure at cycling.
Failure at running.


Right now, I'm just a detailer. Nothing more.
No morning rides.
No morning runs.


There's no point in trying to invest time in somebody who doesn't even want me there. It was all a waste thinking that there was somebody who wants me.


All of these passions, a waste.