The Most Perfect

Imagine you are in the exact place you would love to be.
Not just for vacation, but to be there to live.
Can you imagine it?
Do you even have a place?


A lot of people say France because that's the most romantic place in the world.
Others, Hawaii, for relaxation.


The most perfect answer I've heard.


Home.


Saying that, it definitely wouldn't be my answer.


I just said it was the most perfect answer, yes? So why not?


My home now isn't suitable for a dream.
Not where I would say it's perfect.
When I heard that person say home.
Thoughts came to my head.


A wife.
Maybe, MAYBE, a child.
A cat. or a dog, if my wife wants one instead.
A Mustang.
A nice sized house. Not small.
An Olympic sized pool.
A nice place to run.
A beautiful place to cycle.


Suddenly, it's not a perfect answer anymore.


Is it?

New Responsibilities

*sigh of relief*


I miss being here, writing, to nobody.


If you read this, why don't you comment?
I love communication.


Recently I was supposed to become a manager at my job. Already!


I know. I just started.


Those who were there before me don't like me. "/


But hey. . . .
Whatcha gonna do?


The bosses think I deserve that position, it's for a reason that the bosses approve of.


Then, one of my counselors made me an administrator to the website to upload videos and outlines.


Exciting.


I love my job.


I love computers, audio and visuals.


So,




Why am I sad?

A Return from Depression

A while ago I got myself into a bit of anatomy trouble.


I fractured my ribs. Made a nice crack in most of them in my right side.


Okay, getting way ahead of myself.


In my EXS125 class, exercise science, I had to do a semester project.
Mine was to get more fit to get a better time trial personal record.
At the time, I was able to cycle a good thirty miles per hour.


People don't like to believe me, but other cyclist called me the red bullet.
I have a red and white bike, but I always wore red when doing a time trial.
I would constantly out perform most cyclist and they gave me that title.


Then at the end of the semester I improved a good amount, two miles per hour more.
That might not sound like a big difference, but it is. Trust me.


One day after a ride, I "fell" off of my bike.
I ended up fracturing my ribs and all of my hard work went down the drain.
This set off my depression.
Everything was in my reach.
Finally having a confident time to enter a big time race and having the chance to win.
Taken from me in a few seconds.


It's been three months since I've gotten on my bike.
When I did.
It was as though the world became quiet.


All of my past issues were suddenly gone.
All of the abuse given and taken.
The crying and anguish.
Loneliness.
For that time.


Silenced.


Now I'm back in classes.
Have a steady job.
And my passion for cycling has come back.


One thing I learned.
Motivation can only get you so far.
Discipline can get you farther.


During this time of wanting to get away from my bike.
I said I quit.
I believe I posted something about it one here.


Don't be like that.
Don't think like that.
Don't pity yourself.
Don't try to live on motivation.
Live for a purpose.


My purpose?
Christ.

July 5

This is one of the greatest days of the year.


Why?


Because it's your birthday.


Yes, I remembered. I hope I never forget.


You know how people say, "This year will be better than last year," or, "That was when I had the most fun."


Don't listen to them.


Every day should be the best day.


Now, you're one year older.


I wish I could say more.


I wish I could give you a gift.


One that you would love.


Something for your artistry.


Pastels maybe. I bet you would love those.


You were always so patient with your drawings.


Trust me, I learned what it was like to put yourself into your drawings.


Every piece of art that you drew, I knew was perfect. I didn't go about it that way, but they are.


Why?


Because they have you in them.


Now I'm drifting.


The best thing I can say right now.


That's. . .


Happy Birthday.

Finding Failure

It's getting harder and harder to write these.
I have so much to say, but I feel as though nobody wants to listen.


It's getting harder and harder to become a personal trainer or even a professional triathlete.
I have goals. I have accomplished some, but what next?


It's like there isn't enough time for anything anymore. I wake up go for a ride, go for a run, go to work, come home and I'm alone in all of those places.


Nobody to talk to and nobody wanting to get to know me.
What's the point of it?


I had so much passion for cycling.
What happened to it?
Things keep coming up and shoving me away from it.
Am I not supposed to be doing that?


I want a friend that I can do things with.
A girl.
A best friend.
One that I can get to know because I want to.
One who wants to know me because she WANTS to.


All of these goals, coming to an end.
I have no time to do what I want.


Where can I find that friend?
Cycling, they all want something different.
Running, they all just do it for self image.


It's hard finding out that there's nobody out there for me.
No girl who wants to truly know who I am.
I've had one girlfriend. And even from the beginning, she didn't want to be with me.
I devoted myself to her so much that I couldn't stop loving her for two years after we got split up.


I want somebody who really wants me as a friend. Somebody who will sacrifice time, like I do, to just spend five minutes with me.


I've done that so many times for friends. I got to campus two hours earlier than when my classes started, just to see them for two minutes as they passed by from class to go to another class. I knew that those two minutes were worth the wait.


Cycling in the most bizarre times that are completely hectic to my schedule, just to try and find somebody to keep them company. Just for two intersections and knowing that it was worth it.


Running at times that when my legs were done with and had nothing left in them, just so they aren't alone. Not even talking during the run. Just being there meant more to me that talking.


I've found that no girl wants to be with me.
I've found that no cyclist wants a training partner for just two minutes.
I've found that no runner, really wants quite time.


That no person is wanting me.
I've found failure.
Failure at cycling.
Failure at running.


Right now, I'm just a detailer. Nothing more.
No morning rides.
No morning runs.


There's no point in trying to invest time in somebody who doesn't even want me there. It was all a waste thinking that there was somebody who wants me.


All of these passions, a waste.

The running start.

Running has always been a passion of mine. I never used to run so much, but I loved doing it. Getting into triathlons has allowed me to express my love for running. Sometimes I would go for hours and not stop running. The pain was only an encouragement.

Where running is easy, finding the right running shoes isn't.

A few years ago, I got these shoes from a common store. Nothing high priced; cheap in fact. These shoes never got worn down. I don't know why. I've had them for years and they're still good! If you're an avid runner like me, you would know how surprised I am. Up until recently there was still tread on them, they were still cushion-y, and still comfy.

I starting distance running about two years ago. 10 January 2009 to be exact. I had gotten separated from the person who I loved most. We sort of had a long distance relationship. The distance was 13.1 miles. So, I would say every now and then when we were together that if I had a bike, I would bike to her house just to see her for five minutes then go back home. She was flattered.

After we got separated, I still didn't have a bike, so I ran. I didn't make it completely the first time. I was about one street away when I got full of fear. I turned around and headed home. The second time, I made it. She never knew. I never told her. I never told anybody until now. I would do this constantly. Probably twice a week. I kept this up for a while. The time kept getting shorter and shorter, but still lengthy.

I had just bought new shoes about a month before we got separated. I used these shoes to run to her house.

The shoes now are finally worn out. They're still comfy, but they hurt to run in. So, it's time for them to retire.

I'm going to spray paint them gold and get them into a glass case. They are my reward. They got me started for the Ironman triathlon.

When Hope Doesn't Speak

I started cycling about two years ago. I think back and it still shocks me to see how fast these two years have gone for cycling.


I started out with a mountain bike. That lasted for about three months.
I quickly wanted to get on a road bike.
To see what it's like to fly.


After a few trials, I finally got my red bike. I named it "Red Velvet."
I was thinking "Red Bullet" or "Red Betsy," but nobody liked those names.


Recently, I haven't been able to ride or do any type of training. I miss cycling. I love the smell of the morning, just as the sun rises and the heat starts to pick up. There's that cold breeze that comes every now and then, but the rest of the ride is warm air. Being out almost in the middle of nowhere listening to the sounds of the forest. Wondering if I'll see another cyclist or if I'm the first out. Then I get to the drop which overlooks miles and miles of mountains and cactus. Seeing another city and watching the sun rise on my right.


The running, I loved running almost as much as cycling. I used to love it more than cycling, but lately it's been taxing. I haven't been able to run either. There were times when I would just run and run and keep going without a care in the world. It didn't matter what time I had to return because that was my duty. Running. Going out in the middle of the day while the sun is burning down on everything. Seeing everything wither away while I live at the fullest. The road being so hot that it's scorching my shoes and burning my feet.


It gets more challenging to get into these as things start to arise. Whether it be more responsibility or if my family thinks I need to put them first. Struggles that don't mean anything and aren't worth bothering with, yet they're there.


I keep looking for a training partner to train with. Hoping that she would keep me on track as we train together. Wanting somebody who will be more than a friend. Wanting that person who I will want to surrender everything to. It's tough finding out that there's nobody out there for me.


Recently, I haven't been able to train. . .